I love to write a gift guide! I love to wait until it’s too late to buy any of the gifts in it to send it out! Last year my bookmarking service (which is apparently run by a single guy??) went down in December so I had to ditch the idea of doing a gift guide, which means I have double the links this year!
This was the gift I was most excited about last year and even though it’s no longer available, I would never forgive myself if I didn’t show it to you. A triple level fakeout - a cookie tin that contains not cookies, not sewing supplies, but makeup shaped like sewing supplies.
LOOK AT HOW THERE IS A LITTLE TOMATO PIN CUSHION PALETTE.
I was also sad to have to jettison the Ninja Turtle Build-a-bear. Goodbye, 2023 items!
I can’t improve on the website description of the Lobster Nativity scene, which makes me feel so inspired by the human spirit.
Mother Mary:
Kneeling claws together in prayer. Wearing a soft blue cape and bows on her braids.
Baby Jesus:
A baby nestled in a bed of seaweed in his shell crab.
Joseph:
Full of humility; eyes closed and claws in prayer.
Mary looking straight out of Star Trek is great, Garnish Jesus is great, the shepherd being a lobster and the flock also being lobsters because we are committing so hard to the lobster thing is great,
but the three wisemen bringing more seaside appropriate offerings are my favorite.
OUT: Frankincense, myrrh, and gold
IN: Pearls (okay), baby seahorses (what.), and star-shaped cookies with a red roe center (can we go back to the baby seahorses???)
I can just about make sense of the cookie because caviar is a luxury item and there is a precedent for sweet and salty food, but I need to understand the thinking behind the seahorses. Did the wise men feel like Mary would identify with an unusual birth story?
I’ve been screaming about this since I found out earlier this year: for the low, low price of $400, you can buy yourself a handmade Muppet replica. I think owning one of these would solve a lot of my problems, and it feels especially appropriate to receive one at Christmas, my favorite time of year to be a Muppets fan. This is the time of year when we have not only The Muppet Christmas Carol but the underrated crown jewel of the MCU (Muppet Cinematic Universe) A Muppet Family Christmas, a crossover special featuring the Muppets from The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, and even Fraggle Rock.1 It’s not available to buy but you can watch it on youtube, and you should, unless you are one of my cousins, none of whom, I learned at Thanksgiving, has ever watched a single Muppet TV show or movie, and would therefore not appreciate it. (Two of them asked me, separately, if the Muppets are, like, …puppets? I barely survived.) If you are one of THESE people, obviously start with Muppet Christmas Carol. Or maybe you’re an Emmett Otter devotee! So many options!
If you’re buying the top gift of the holiday season for ME, you should know my favorite muppets are Charles Dickens Gonzo, because I love weirdos and literature, and Camilla the chicken, because I love hot to trot women with an air of mystery (see: this scene in A Muppet Family Christmas where Gonzo and the Christmas turkey almost come to blows over her). If you’re NOT buying for me, well that’s disappointing! But maybe I’ll try to make one myself, because I also learned this year that there are online groups dedicated to helping you do that with not much more than an electric knife, foam, and some felt. Perfect because this is also the Christmas of:
Social media has convinced me, a person of no artistic ability, that I could excel in doing extremely complicated crafts that require specialized equipment and knowledge. It seems like every six weeks or so I’ll stumble across one of these videos, like this one of someone binding a book, and be convinced that owning a bone folder is all that stands between me and being an entirely different person.
How cool would it be to rebind your own personal canon? Or choose a theme every year and do just your favorites into a cohesive collection? You’d look at your shelf and see the red hardcovers and know it was a book you loved in 2024. I know that in reality I barely buy print books and that I absolutely could not do better at designing a cover than the professional cover designers and that in fact one of the things I love about seeing my books is all the different covers. Except maybe with romance novels, whose covers are generally less distinct than other genres. THAT could be a cool project. Okay, STOP TALKING ME INTO IT!!
For more general paper crafting, you can get all kinds of paper cutting heads here. Good stocking stuffers if you’re into this type of thing.
3D printers have gotten so much cheaper! This is the one everyone recommends for a starter printer.
I’ve had this website bookmarked for over a year and I treat it as a controlled substance because I know if I ever bought something from there, I would be walking through a door that I may never walk back out of. Maybe you could shop more responsibly but I don’t see how. It sells WORKING mini kitchen stuff!!
I was convinced I would love fake stained glass when I saw this insta of someone making a Chappell Roan window using this product.
I’m very resentful as a knitter that I don’t know how to crochet because there are so many great crochet-only patterns. I want this giant bag of garlic or a blanket you can roll up into a bouquet of flowers, or this giant pizza blanket.
Or just embrace tradition and work on your drawing or watercolors.
One is watering your plants
Tiktok failed to load.One is looking out for your long-term financial future.
Tiktok failed to load.Or just avoid Godzilla altogether.
I would love to receive the $2,000 edible arrangements tree, which doesn’t even fall under their catering category but is apparently something they expect a regular human person might buy. Why does this horse have a lamp on its head? Is it Drunk? Please understand that paying $3k for a frog does NOT entitle you to free shipping (arranged separately). Or maybe you just want someone to put you into The Device (Currently 3k off!)
Commissioning something is not only ethical but feels very special to the giftee and very luxe for the gifter. Yes, I AM a patron of the arts!
The most exciting option to me is the Art but Make It Sports guy taking commissions for personal photos. This guy is so magical and one of the few reliably good accounts left on social media.
For the weirdly low price of $150, you could put up a photo or video on a Times Square billboard for 15 seconds an hour. This seems way more cost-effective and fun than a Cameo.
You can commission a crystallized book as a commemorative art piece, good for author friends and reader friends alike.
If you want a custom Tshirt, there are lots of online options but if you buy from Tshirt deli in Chicago, they’ll send you your item in butcher paper with a bag of chips. Quality is supposed to be good too if that matters to you as much as the bag of chips.
Pushing the gift dilemma off on an expert for a fee is also a great idea. Lots of local bookstores offer a book box or subscription option or you can get a bunch of records for $50 for the music lover.
Finally, the strongest case I’ve ever seen for “it’s the thought that counts” is this person whose friends read and annotated her favorite book so they could talk to her about it. (Also, Gideon the Ninth? Taste!)
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A jacket for a very tall child.
The Duo booty short is sold out though it’s not too late to get the owl mask. I know someone out there is having the best sex of their life with these things.
Wicked the movie has so much merch but maybe it would be cooler to get something from the stage musical and maybe even cooler that it’s something that seems completely unrelated, like the Farmacy makeup remover Broadway Elphaba uses to take off her green makeup. This is just an excuse to show you this strangely mesmerizing tiktok.
Puffer Snoopy is everywhere and he should be because he’s adorable. You could go with the Baggu set or a Target sweatshirt.
I’ve seen people look for years on secondhand sites to complete their collection of the Lenox spice village and now they’re just…selling it. On their site. They are actually very cute, I get it.
You like Beetlejuice? Shoe Bakery had an amazing Beetlejuice sneaker called Bug Juice but they don’t seem to offer it anymore so instead I recommend a sandworm cuff bracelet.
Last year’s Grimace shake vaulted Grimace into popularity in a way we haven’t seen since Elmo evicted everyone else from Sesame Street. You can dress head to toe in holiday Grimace gear but not a hamburglar is stirring. Sad.
Very last minute addition of Cookie the gingerbread beanie baby because
I hear you can find these at CVS if they’re not sold out.
And of course, the 2024 trends would not be complete without something Moo Deng. So many options! There are a thousand crochet Moo Dengs or ceramic Moo Dengs. I have yet to find anything in my travels featuring her emotional support leaf
but there is one place that gives you the food bowl.
Stocking stuffers are my absolute favorite type of gift to buy. Some people think they should be cheap; I respect that but my philosophy is they only need to be small enough to manhandle into a sock. Gift cards, ebooks, even concert tickets are good options but if you’re looking for physical gifts, I’d start with one of the deodorants from Native’s Dunkin line, maybe a strawberry frosted deodorant or a Boston Kreme body wash, then I would throw in the Grillo’s pickles limited edition toothpaste (which supposedly actually tastes good?). A mouthguard from the drugstore seems like it will also come in handy for all the teeth-grinding we’re sure to be doing in the year ahead. You don’t need a link for that.
Vinca’s knife barrettes are super cute and come in a million sizes (or as earrings!). Aubrey Plaza has worn them on the red carpet. Fingerless gloves from the Internet Archive to make your giftee feel like they’re in Hackers or Pump Up The Volume. This is also a great time to shop from your favorite etsy or indie artist for stickers, magnets, socks, jewelry. Birdie Tam’s bird stuff is so cute, and I like Rowan Kingsbury’s shop. These pasta magnets and stickers are fun. I have also been in love for years with this polymer clay triceratops with a fern design. What would I do with her? I don’t know but she’s beautiful and so are a lot of the other little trinkets on the site.
I saw these 4D block gummy candies and knew they belonged in a stocking. A candy AND a toy! Fahlo’s bracelets, which let you track a real animal somewhere in the world are sciency- and fun.
If you’re giving for someone older or someone into books or journaling, the McSweeney’s author cards are perfect. I would also try to shove this hero’s planner journal in there. Depending on the size of your stocking but I think it could fit. If not, the sidequest deck definitely would. A set of fineliner or gel pens from the Cognitive Surplus site is a definite. I can’t settle on a color set (blood? organ donor) but if you get a glitter or metallic set, grab a dark matter notebook to go with it because it looks cool.
to buy someone the book of erotica and poetry that had Market Basket issuing a cease and desist. It’s called My Gaping Masshole.
Indoor kids: let me be the millionth person to recommend the new Indiana Jones game (and I haven’t even gotten to punching Nazis yet!) or Fields of Mistria if you’re more of a Stardew chill gamer type. Board games I’m interested in come in two categories: related to some other property I like (the Stardew board game or the British Bake Off one) or Kickstarter games (Votes for Women about the suffrage movement or First Monday in October about the Supreme Court or One Billion Users about running your own social media company), many of which have been banned from advertising on FB “in error”. Or get a Cthulhu docking station for the Switch.
Outdoor kids: it’s not really your time in this hemisphere, I’m sorry, but you have some options. The seed ball advent calendar or this plant tote I’ve had my eye on for a few years. A smart bird feeder gives you an excuse to look outside for a while and there’s Twister Splash if you’re willing to wait for warmer days.
The coolest option though is these tombstone garden markers for the gardener. Jealous of anyone with a vegetable garden who could use these.
I live and die by my computer calendar but I think print calendars are underrated. One-a-days still seem pretty popular for the moments of levity (weratedogs) or encouragement (Kate Allan) they can give you but there are so many weird wall calendar choices. The USDA will send you a free chicken calendar if you ask. Last year I got these for my family and they didn’t show up until March, at which point everyone was completely bemused. This is probably the third year I’ve contemplated buying the ruinously expensive hot priest calendar from Rome and then dithered over the exorbitant shipping for so long that it sells out (a shame because it would make a great Conclave tie in). This crossword calendar which uses the calendar grid itself as a crossword is the rare item that I think is really interesting AND practical. I’m also interested in this sky calendar recommended in Robin Sloan’s gift guide even though I don’t totally understand what it’s for.
Pigeon clutch! Snail shelf! What I thought was a jeweled hot dog bag but is just a jeweled hot dog maybe! A novelty lamp like the floor flower lamps that make you feel like you’re in Alice in Wonderland! I already own a lot of novelty lamps and they barely emit any light but I still like them!
A dream Christmas gift is tickets wrapped with some merch, but just merch is also exciting. There’s surprisingly little official Ellie the Elephant gear online though it seems there exists a stuffie and a clip on braid somewhere in the physical realm (or you could book her for your holiday event, but that certainly belongs in the big money category). I don’t have a NY bias, but I think the Sirens have the best logo in the PWHL, while the Victoire has a cool team name. Boston’s new soccer team had the worst rollout imaginable but at least the very stupid name is being reconsidered. It’s a shame because I actually really like the colors and the logo! Get it because it looks good or because it may end up being a collector’s item.
The charcuterie chalet kit is the best gingerbread house I’ve seen in my life. Pizza Hut is out of the tomato wine so my pick for drinkers is these boozy jello cakes. Jeni’s does a whole lactose free gift pack as well as gluten free. If you have to go more traditional, I like the looks of this Santa’s Bag of chocolates or the snowmen/penguin/mice (don’t make me pick) from LA Burdick.
That’s it! Whatever you bought or didn’t buy, I hope you have a good rest of 2024!
When Big Bird turns the corner caroling, I cry. Maybe you’re a less embarrassing person.
